Time For Change

By on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 21:56

Amrita is a very bright, ambitious, hard working girl from a well-educated family, with dreams of her own – to be financially independent, to build a career for herself and to achieve something in life. She did a computer course and got a well paying job. Soon her parents settled her marriage, with a boy from a `good family’. She enjoys dressing herself in modern outfits but the boy’s parents instructed that the girl should not wear dresses other than a sari and her parents agreed! Now Amrita is a housewife, tending to the needs of her in-laws and looking after her three-year-old child.

Nidhi got into a very prestigious engineering college after paying a huge amount of donation.  She completed the course and got campus placement in a private company. Soon, her marriage was settled, again with a boy from a `good family’.  The boy’s parents ordered that Nidhi take up some government job. The reason? They often have poojas at home for which many guests are invited and Nidhi should be able to take leave and be present at home to take care of all the necessary arrangements! Nidhi got married and had to leave her job too.

Sneha graduated from one of the IITs and got a PhD from an American university.  An equally educated boy, Arun proposed to her and they decided to get married.  Sneha wanted to do her postdoctoral, and Arun also supported her. But Arun’s parents insisted that she give up the idea and have children first!  Sneha reluctantly agreed.

Priya is an established classical singer. To pursue her passion for music, she gave up her job in an MNC. She got married only after getting the promise from the boy and his family that they would cooperate and assist her to pursue her passion. Priya now struggles to find time for her regular practice since a lot of household responsibilities have been put on her shoulders.  She had also to change her surname. Already well known by her maiden name, she lost quite a few opportunities to perform because she was not identified by this new name.

These are very few examples of true stories of 21st century.

We talk of our girls losing their identity after marriage. Who is responsible for this? The girls themselves or their parents or the in-laws or in some cases the husband too?

And what is the definition of a `good family’? Is it the amount of property it has, or its status in the society? What right do the boy’s parents have to take charge of and control over a girl’s life? If a girl’s feelings are not respected, how can it be called a good family?

Why do girls’ parents agree for the demands of the boys’ family, when their daughter is no less in any respect than the boy? Why do educated, talented and ambitious girls bow down to the demands of the boys’ family? Is it fair that the girls who are capable of becoming Kiran Bedis, Kiron Mazumdars, or Indira Nooyis , sacrifice all their talents and capabilities  to please the boys’ family (sadly, most of the times this is an unsuccessful effort too)? Why doesn’t anyone think that it is not only the girl that needs a life partner and a family, but the boy also equally needs a girl for a wife?  In spite of this fact, why are the girl and her family treated as lower than the boy’s?  Can just the biological difference be good enough for such differences in the treatment of a girl?

The girls and their parents also do have certain likes and dislikes and desires. But do they demand anything at all from the boy’s family? Unfortunately in Indian society, the girl and her parents are expected to be submissive before the boy’s family and it has become an accepted fact – to such an extent that people do not even have an idea that they can be different.

I know of a father who boldly struck down a proposal for his daughter, saying that he will not give away his daughter in marriage to a `beggar’, since the parents demanded a grand wedding, lots of jewelry and also air fare for the boy to come from Gulf, get married and take the bride with him. How many parents have such courage?

Let there not be desperation when it comes to the question of marriage. Yes, marriage is necessary, but it is not everything. At least, not at the cost of one’s passion and freedom.  Why does one have to compromise anything in life for the sake of getting married? One has a right to take up a job one likes, and to pursue one’s career, and a right to wear the dresses one likes.  In short, one should not let others pull their strings. Only then can one retain her identity.

Easier said than done?

Some names have been changed.

Brinda Rao is a Carnatic Classical singer, radio artist and teaches music.  She translates scientific and technical matter  (English-Kannada) and  She writes for Kannada magazines. She feels strongly about environmental issues.