With A Little Tact and Love

A new mother has many reasons to go to work: ambition, money, satisfaction, or all of them rolled into one big word - happiness. And as a new mother, I can assure you it's not a decision that we take lightly. We deliberate for the better part of a year, if not more, and then decide what to do. Those of us who come back to work, learn many many lessons -- compartmentalising, stretching yourself, and most importantly learning to trust others with your children -- and those of us who don't, are still wondering if it's a good thing to do.

I empathise completely if you belong to the first category. It's not easy to take that decision but now that you have, more power to you, momma! Before I say anything else, let me just tell you that a happy woman makes a happy mum and if spending part of your day at work is what makes you happy, then rest assured motherhood is going to be a happy time.

It's a difficult thing to decide who you want to give the responsibility of care for your child when you head to work. Once that decision is made, the niggle, then, is to learn to trust that person to do the best for your child.

Here's my guide to surviving the caregiver-working parent situation

Talk

Like any relationship, this little trick takes care of most things upfront. If you have paid help, then make sure you tell them every little detail of what you expect her/him to do. It may make you seem like a control freak but it's ok. Also ask them what they expect from you: is it only a salary, do they want gratitude, do they need help in some other way? That sort of thing helps you decide who you want to hire.

If your baby's caregiver is family (aunts, uncles or as is most likely to be, grandparents) then it is all the more important that you talk and clear things. It might be awkward (after all, they did bring you up right) and it might be confrontational, especially if they are your partner's parents. But it's all worth in the end. Go through this checklist to help you decide what topics should be discussed with your caregiver.

• Food: Timing, what kind of food, where the child is being fed (not while watching tv, outdoors, on the bed etc) what the child is allowed to eat and drink.
   
• Hygiene: Always wash hands before doing something for the baby -- preparing bottles, peeling fruit, picking up baby, anything. 
   
• Nap times: Explain how you've been helping your child sleep. See if they have a more effective method. If not, show them yours. 
   
• Attitudes: Let them know you don't encourage hitting, pushing, tantrums. Grandparents will indulge your child and in an effort to make her feel better after a fall, they may pretend to hit or scold the offending object -- floor/wall/table. If this is not an attitude that you want to pass on to your child, then say so at the beginning 
   
• Timing for tv (if you let your child watch it). 
   
• Changing nappies: I know how trivial this sounds. But it's not. Most help and sometimes even tired grandparents tend to skip the washing before changing a nappy. Make sure you tell them the need for cleansing before changing. Also tell them how often they need to change. Eg: Cloth nappies as soon as they are wet or disposable ones every three to four hours, sooner if they're very wet. 
   

Take on fewer responsibilities at work

I know, it's very very tempting to plunge headlong into work and prove to the firm, but most importantly to yourself, that you are just as good as you used to be pre-baby. But hold off. Taking on more at work will give out the message that you are ready to spend that much more time at work and that nothing much has changed. But it has and you should be aware of it. Responsibly tell your bosses and coworkers that. Because by the time the realisation dawns that you are spending more time than you want at work, it will be too late to retract.

Here's a simple tip to know what the right amount of work you can take on is. Ask yourself three questions:

1. Can you go back home while your kids are still awake and in a playful mood?
2. Can you go back home with enough energy to spend at least a couple of hours with them, which may include a bedtime bath, dinner time and bedtime, and ensuing routines?
3. Are you able to relax and not take back work -- physically and mentally -- with you when you go home?

If your answer to these is a yes, then you've got it right. If you're saying no, I suggest you cut back a little before you find yourself swimming in guilt.

Make time on your day off 

I think you already know that there will be NO DAY OFF for you till your kid turns at least three years old. You could have a completely independent child by the time she is two but chances are three is it. So the day you are not at work, don't think you can put your feet up and catch a movie, or go for a swim, or sleep for 12 hours straight. This is the day that your caregiver is looking forward to so that they can relax. Your child is yours for the entire day. Enjoy it. Celebrate it. Tomorrow you ALL go back to the grind.

Ask your caregiver about your child's day

Many times, you are going to miss out on some firsts. Your baby might learn a new word or turn new tricks. Her first fully-worded sentence might be said to your help or your mother. While you can't do anything about that, what you can do is ask for updates. Gentle question if there was anything remarkable that happened that day, is she saying new words, did she have a fall. All this so that when you catch her saying a new word and she's lisping it, you just may know what she is talking about.

Do as much as possible for the kids

Try and not leave anything to your caregiver in the morning. As much as possible bathe, clean and feed your child before you leave for work. This reduces the stress on the caregiver as well as allows you time with your baby. And bath times and incredibly intimate and fun times, you will agree. The days it is not possible, try and make it home early to make up for the morning.

Gifts, kind words, a hug

You may be paying nanny a salary but no amount of money is worth what she is doing for you and your child. If you are happy with the way your baby has been looked after, then give your nanny an inexpensive but meaningful gift every now and then without a reason. Even something that you don't use but is in good condition will do, if you aren't averse to recycling.

And if it's a grandparent that's looking after your child, I don't need to tell you what to get them. You know them best. Apart from making it easy on them, respect their wishes as much as you can. Your limits will be tested but do what you can. For the rest, go back to tip #1.

With a little understanding, a lot of patience and some serious guilt-free thinking, you can make your relationship with your child's caregiver a mutually fruitful one. 

Sandhya Menon is a journalist by training, profession and at heart but mostly these days she's an unexpected mother of two under two. She blogs at at http://therestlessquill.blogspot.com.